After I gave birth to our two girls, getting pregnant again was never in the plan. 

I had lofty ambitions for 2024. 

I felt as if I was getting into the groove of motherhood and reconfigured my personal life expectations into the fact that I had dependents. My dependents were getting older and we had plans to travel to visit family and start going on family adventures. I had goals of regaining a little bit more independence through work and projects.

When I discovered I was pregnant right after Christmas I was in complete shock. I lived in a surreal state for a whole five days. 

 On the fifth day I had a miscarriage. [tmi warning] There was lots of blood and yes I can say I held my little one in the palm of my hand.

There was no question that I miscarried and it would have been my 6th week.

Went through my ups and downs of being relieved to go back to my 2024 plans and the grief that comes with the loss of what would have been another family member.

Despite miscarrying my doctor still pushed me to get my lab tests done. And we discovered I was still pregnant. 

I was in complete disbelief, confused, happy, anxious. Wondered if my body was playing tricks on me. 

Turns out we likely would have had twins. 

It took about 2-3 months for me to settle into the reality that I was still pregnant. 

This pregnancy journey has been a rollercoaster. It’s become a road of growth.

Within this last week I have pushed my body to its brink and being the solo parent my mind/spirit was completely overwhelmed.

I didn’t feel this mentally drained after studying all night for exams. And I don’t remember feeling this exhausted after running my half marathons or even after a late night of partying then hiking the chief. 

This past week it felt like I had to channel the last ounce of my inner strength to drag my body around. 

Sometimes my body would protest – sending pinching tingles through my arms from carpal tunnel or preventing me to walk fluidly with sciatica or being unable to even roll out from bed from bouts of round ligament pain.

And at the lowest point it didn’t feel like I had anything left in me.

I felt depressed. It happened fast. 

I used writing to release my negative thoughts, disconnected from social platforms and utilized every external element to grasp onto to keep me from falling deeper.

I felt alone. 

And yes, completely helpless. I couldn’t do anything myself and I could definitely not attend to my girls.

But even as he was thousands of miles away he was able to find a way to help me through it. Messaging family to see if they could step in because despite the schedule I created I needed more support.

I am still working through the fog.

But having him back early and knowing that I have support during the moments when my body won’t cooperate has been the biggest relief.

And thought of our home going back into routine makes me so happy. I feel terrible that I’ve had to get to this stage where I’ve questioned our stability but I was literally in a fight or flight mode with zero energy to fight.

My last pregnancies had me in a hormonal rollercoaster at times and this one isn’t much different. There are some days I wonder what it would be like if I didn’t lose one and I’m sure days in the future where I will still grieve for that loss.

I’m not sure how to end this post as there is so much involved as to the chaos that ensued this past week. As I draw nearer to 38 weeks (when my scheduled cesarean will take place) I’m looking forward to the calm that will hopefully take place within my mind and spirit.